“Aftercare” is a term that isn’t often used in the non-kink, vanilla world, although it almost certainly should be. But what is it, and why would we need such a thing? Simply, it is caring for, checking in, and comforting your play partner (whether it is something completely new and kinky, or something tried and true) to make sure our partner is comfortable and ready to return to the “real world.” And we need it because society has (and continues to) put unnecessary shame on the ways we like to explore our sexuality. Of course, this is not just about the guilt that some of us experience, but the physiological after effects that happen naturally, including the drop in endorphins. Without proper aftercare, subs and Dommes alike can experience an emotional drop, even leading to depression. Moreover, by incorporating aftercare, we can discuss what was really good about the session, and what can be improved in the future. It is the perfect opportunity to set aside the D/s relationship, and discuss the fantasy on even standing (so I can better Domme you next time)!
During a scene the subs brain is flooded with all sorts of feel good chemicals and hormones. These are the very thing that helps them endure pain, send them into subspace, and feel addicted. When the scene ends the endorphins begin to wear off. This can leave the sub feeling, shaky, cold, depressed, lethargic, and alone. Often the sudden lack of these chemicals can fuel feelings of self deprecation, doubt and remorse
Even the most open-minded, kink-friendly among us can experience a certain level of guilt after a sexual encounter, and this is especially true once the post-orgasmic bliss has faded away. This is often the moment when we are most vulnerable, and most likely to freak out over our craven, lust-fueled desires. Most of us have been here in one form or another. “I can’t believe I did that.” “I can’t believe I said that.” So on. What was, just moments ago, so sexy and exciting, can now seem shameful once those last waves of orgasmic energy have left your body and mind. Indeed, so many of our sexiest, deepest, and darkest desires are incredibly hot in the moment precisely because they are so taboo and sinful. And then this is immediately juxtaposed by your most clear-headed, least lustful moment. This is why aftercare is so important.
Aftercare, while still not practiced enough in Vanillaland, is something that comes naturally to most of us. Generally speaking, we cuddle our partners after a one-night stand (even if counting down the minutes to when it would be “appropriate” to leave), and assure them we had a good time (even if this isn’t the case). We (hopefully!) want to make our partners feel appreciated, comfortable, and safe in these vulnerable post-coitus moments.
It is even more important in Kinkland, because the desires are more specific, and very often, seen as something to be even more ashamed of by the outside world. However, that does not mean that aftercare is something that all Dommes do. This is a big failing on their part, in my opinion. Aftercare is where you build trust and where you bond. If you want to have an amazing D/s relationship you don’t skip this part.
Many Dommes don’t do aftercare because it is “not what they’re paid for,” and will end the session as soon as the allotted time is up. I disagree. As a Domme, I’m not just there to guide you through your fantasy, but to bring you back, giving you positive vibes about the experience and leaving you aching for more. In my opinion, this can only be accomplished through proper aftercare. This should be factored into your booked time. Stopping the scene intime to beable to care for each other and reflect. If you are a sub who knows that you need a lot of aftercare you should let your Domme know in advance so she can plan for that.
In short, aftercare is not just “part of the job” but just as essential as the fantasy itself. And, aftercare is important for Dommes too! We want to know how it went, how we can push your more, or where we need to pull back a bit. Also, we have a need to be praised and adored after a session, adding value beyond money to our sessions.
What do you think of the role of aftercare? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with it in the comments below.