BDSM Facts That You Won’t Learn In “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

Fifty Shades of Grey has shown a glimpse of some components of BDSM but did you know that there are a lot of things in Fifty Shades of Grey that hasn’t been tackled yet (and so many things they got wrong)? So here I am, I am going to discuss some of the basic facts about BDSM.

BDSM is not always about sex.

Wait, what? But BDSM looks like it’s mostly about sex based on what has been shown in Fifty Shades of Grey.

BDSM is not always about sex. In fact more often than not, especially in the professional world, sex doesn’t play much of a factor at all. Now, I want to add a side bar to this in that I am using the term sex to men penetrative or mutually stimulated release. This is not how I define “sex” but it is the label we have to work with for now.

BDSM can be sexy. It can be fap material for days, for sure. It could also contain elements of sex but at its core it is not actually about sex. BDSM can be therapeutic, cathartic, and escape from reality for a couple hours, a substitution for a drug induced high, a way to connect with another human who actually understands you, a way to feel like a whole person, and so much more.

The people participating in BDSM are not damaged people.

In Fifty Shades of Grey, it depicts that Christian Grey actually experienced a handful of abuse when he was a child which made viewers to conclude that it was the reason why he likes BDSM. This implication has probably been the one thing in the movie that, in my opinion, has been the most harmful to the BDSM community.

Are people who do BDSM “broken” or damaged? NO! Do they have abuse in their past? Well, maybe. You are talking about a large group of people so I am sure some have been abused. But by that logic I could also conclude that the reason other (vanilla) people DON’T do BDSM is because they have been “damaged” by abuse and therefore can’t play with BDSM thus making them broken. Yes, it sounds this stupid when you say it about kinksters.

People do BDSM because they take pleasure in it and not because they were abused or they experienced something traumatic in their life. Though often, if they did, they can use the BDSM to help process it; especially if working with a therapist at the same time.

You can always say NO (or at least a safeword).

In BDSM, you can call the shots even though you are the submissive. You can have a contract of what you like and what you don’t want to be executed during the play. We call this “The Negotiation” and while this was shown in the movie way too much control was being forced without having actually got consent first.

Consent is key. If you want to be forced into something (forced bi, forced intox, etc) you still have to give the initial consent. No one will force you to do what is against your will. Even if you are engaging in a scene that centered around “consensual non-consent” or forced anything; you always have a minimum of 1 safeword. A common “stop this ride right now I want to get off” safeword is RED. This word stops everything and ends the scene. YELLOW is often used as a way to say; “slow down” or at least “check in.” Each sub and Domme are different and so safewords and hard limits are a necessary part of the negotiation process. This way you are never fully out of control (it will feel that way, though).

It’s not just whips and chains.

Chains and whips have become iconic sensual tools in BDSM but it’s not just whips and chains, there are butt plugs that the Domme can control from anywhere, toys that will shock you, needles, dress up clothing, rope, and even simple boring things like a permanent marker can be very effective.  I, personally love the mind. I can hit you with a flog for hours and have a great time, but come to me with a creative mindfuck idea, one that we can both get creative with and I can send your head spinning for days…then you have given me a cherished memory.

Fifty Shades of Grey is cringeworthy…mostly.

On one hand Fifty Shades of Grey brought BDM to the vanilla housewives of the world and started a dialog with their partners / spouses about actually finding and fulfilling their sexual desires. In that way I am very happy that it happened.

On the other hand, in the BDSM community, Fifty Shades of Grey received a lot of raised eyebrows and frowns because it depicted BDSM in a very bad light. It created a stigma towards people in  BDSM and failed to show the very careful consideration for consent, boundaries, safewords, and limits that we all adhere to (if you are not, then change that immediately). It doesn’t show the energy put into aftercare, top drop, sessions, safety measures, and training. It portrayed that BDSM and the people practicing it need salvation and help rather than it being a community that understands needs outside of social norm.

In the end so much of what is shown in Fifty Shades of Grey is closer to abuse; and far too often people think BDSM looks like abuse. This is the biggest and most harmful misconception to the community as a whole. But, if Fifty Shades of Grey got you this far and opened a door for you to roam curiously through, then I can be grateful for that.

Keep digging…it gets so much better.

*This post contains some affiliate links. You don’t pay a penny more for the products but the companies give me some pennies for sending you their way. Win/win/win. Thanks for reading!

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