Written by: Syren’s Dirt
What it means to trust, to communicate and to respect your Domme by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to communicate when there is something that is not working
Are you looking for long term submission in a D/s relationship? Or maybe you’re just looking to submit in a kinky session and be done. The latter can be a great escape from your every day life, and a great way to try something new. The former though, is what I’ll be talking about here. No matter what your level of interest, it’s important to understand what you’re looking for and be honest about it.. to both your Domme AND to yourself.
Me, I’m longing for that lifestyle submission. I’ve been looking for it my whole life. And as much as I’ve learned in this journey, I still struggle with a major aspect of submission.. being vulnerable. It’s hard. It takes work to both acknowledge it and to speak up about it. To break down that wall and bare my inner self. I still do it after the fact with my Domme, after I’ve shut down for a while or after I’ve cheated. But thankfully my Domme has been patient with me. She’s not at all happy when this happens, and I definitely don’t want to test her on this. Every time it’s like I’ve just ruined all the trust that I’ve built with her. And that hurts. It hurts me after I realize what I’ve done.. and I can only imagine the hurt it causes her, after she’s spent so much time and energy on me.
But, too get right down to it…
I. Don’t. Like. Being. Vulnerable.
There. I said it.
Don’t get me wrong. I do want to submit. I do have a strong desire to be submissive and serve a woman. I’ve felt this urge inside me since an early age. I crave it. It’s always been there. It’s part of who I am. But I want it on MY terms!!!
You see the dilemma here? That’s not how D/s works. Or Femdom, or BDSM, or Findom for that matter.
IRL I have to be in control… at work if I show vulnerability I’ll be taken advantage of. And have been. And I don’t like it. At home, yes there are times when I show vulnerability , but in general I need to be the leader… the rock for my kids. So my guard is up all the time. I need to be in control in the majority of my life.
Yet I have this strong desire to serve and be submissive. In D/s (and I’ll use that term here for all the above), it’s easy to be vulnerable when it’s all kinky and fun and stuff you’re familiar with (yay, nipple clamps… I love those! -or- hell yes I want to stay chaste for you for x days!). It gets hard when things get more personal (if I tell her this, she’ll know x about me), or gets past your comfort zone (if I send her a picture of myself in this position, she might post it for everyone to see), or starts interfering with other things in your life (she wants me to wear a chastity cage at work?!, what if someone notices… I could loose my respect, loose my job!).
So how do you react when your Domme requests something that is outside of your comfort zone?
In the past I’ve just shut down when asked the hard questions. Or agreed to them (like staying in chastity) but cheated without telling her. Or told her that I cheated after the fact because I felt guilty.
That never works. Never. It sets my submission back every. single. time.
The hardest thing is to see your stress, your internal conflict before you get to that shutdown stage, before you cheat, before you walk away.
Be able to see and acknowledge when you are there, raise a hand, and ask her – hey… yellow card here… if I do this it may have unwanted consequences in my life like (fill-in-the-blank) -or- this being in chastity this long has me not able to sleep… it’s fun and all, but I’m noticeably slacking at work now because I can’t think straight and I’m getting grouchy with my friends (ok.. not thinking straight can be really fun when you get to that sub-space, but I’m talking about when it starts to interfere your life – which has happened me).
So the message here is… Tell her! Trust her! Tell her your concerns. Trust that your Domme will make the right decision. If she truly cares about you and your servitude, she will work with you. And who knows, she may have been testing you to find out where your limits are, or to see if and when you will come to your senses and acknowledge them!
This is the hardest thing to do. It’s so freakin easy to just stop and run, or cheat when things get hard (any guy knows that they can knock one out, even with a chastity device on, within a few minutes alone – am I right?!). But here’s the rub (pardon the pun) – this is also one of the most important times of submission. When you are in this state, NOT knocking one out. NOT running away from the scene. But instead stopping to communicate and show her her your vulnerability. This will enter you into a new level of submission, a new level of sub-space. Damn I’ve been submitting to Dommes for over 5 years now, and I’ve learned from some of the very best. Yet I still get tripped up over this. My walls just naturally go up, my need to be in control just naturally takes over without me even realizing it sometimes. When I’m THAT CLOSE to really showing my submission.
I can’t stress how important this moment is. It’s what separates the true submissive from the wana-a-be’s. By communicating and being vulnerable with your Domme, respecting her authority, trusting her with your limits and your fears, TELLING her when you hit them, she learns more about you. She understands you a little more. She learns what buttons will work when pushing you, and what buttons will not. But you have to tell her. You have to respect her authority and acknowledge her control (which is ultimately what you’re looking for, isn’t it?). You have to let her know where you are at every step of the way – in both the good times and the bad.
And realize, if you take matters into your own hands (again, pardon the pun) and tell her after the fact, after you have disobeyed, you will end up giving your Domme extra work in the long run. First, she will loose her trust in you and will assume you’re doing this just for the fantasy, and may wonder if part of your kink is to be defiant (which if it is, you had better be upfront with her, otherwise you’re just going to piss her off). Secondly she needs to decide how to deal with your infraction. And third, after all that, she will have learned about your new limit or fear that you hadn’t told her about before… the one you were hiding from her. Not a good position to be in if you want to continue to impress your Mistress, if you expect to continue to see her in the same capacity you have come to expect.
Remember, she is trusting you, even on the smallest things. If you break that trust, it breaks down the entire dynamic. You risk your future relationship. You risk everything you have built to that point.
In closing, this may seem pretty deep if you are only into the fantasy scene with your Domme every once an a while. But if you really want to serve, if you really want to be submissive to your Domme in the long run and create a dynamic that will last, being vulnerable is a key component to make that relationship work. Be open. Communicate. Especially when things get hard – these are the moments that truly define your submission. It’s not easy. Not easy at all. But you’re relationship with your Domme and your feelings of submission will grow so much stronger when you open up and make yourself vulnerable to her.