Sub: “Mistress, I want you to control me.”
Me: “Great, Book a session and I need a list of your kinks, hard limits, soft limits, and safe words.”
Sub: “I don’t have any hard limits”
Me: “Fine, shave half your head, one eyebrow, tattoo my name on your scalp, and be a walking billboard for me.”
Sub: “Okay not that. I want you to control me”
Me: “Okay, punch your balls, lick a toilet seat, bark like a dog and buy me a gift”….
Sub: “Oh I am not into any of that.”
THEN YOU HAVE HARD LIMITS. STATE THEM!!!!! Now that I have that off my chest; let’s talk about hard limits, misconceptions, and negotiations.
Every good scene starts with negotiation. Why?
Have you seen consent fries? Have one, have two, have thirty! They are healthy and good for you. Share them with your friends. Consent is one of the many factors that separates BDSM from abuse.
Consent is enthusiastic, freely given and reversible. At any point in a scene the submissive or bottom can safeword out and all play stops. At any point a Dom/me can revoke a consented action like face sitting.
Consent is informed. Not only can a person consent to something they know nothing about but the Dom/me can not consent to DO an action without proper information. For example; I have a client who says he is okay with ANYTHING and what I want to do is force drug him. Now, maybe I am just going to use a vitamin. No problem, right? Well, if there is a bad reaction with a drug he is taking we have problem. He may have consented to anything but a trip to the ER was probably not on his mind and I did not consent to possibly permanently harming someone.
Consent is specific! If a person was to go to a dungeon and do pick up play and negotiate bondage and spanking then that is what should happen. The top or Dom/me should not then assume that they can peg the the person that is tied up. If someone says “anything,” that is not specific, it is also not safe; which leads me to…
There is NO way for a Dom/me or a Top to know if a sub is allergic to something, has a history of abuse, is on medications that may play a part in something, or if their mind can’t withstand certain things. It would be a huge safety issue to find out someone was on a lot of blood thinners halfway or more through needle play. From a mental aspect imagine the horror of being in a consensual non-consent scene only to find out the person has been raped in the past and is now a hysterical mess.
Most of the time it won’t get to the point of someone bleeding out or totally mentally broken (in a bad way) for the limit to come to light, thankfully. This is a VERY boring approach. The Dom/me has to verbally walk through each thing first to get ongoing consent OR worse; sub gets tied to the wall, Dom/me starts to hit them with a flog.
“WAIT!!! I don’t like pain at all”
“Fine.” Unties sub. “Get on the floor and lick my boots bitch”
“I don’t like humiliation”
On and on. The session ends and the sub feels like the Dom/me was terrible at her job and the Dom/me feels frustrated and bored with the sub. The sub expected to go in and be put in a collar, blindfolded, and teased. But, they did not say that.
TOTAL POWER IS A FANTASY
The reason this happens, all too often, is because there is a fantasy of being totally controlled and dominated by another human and TELLING them what you want means that you still have the power. Welp, I am about to shatter some hearts here….
THE SUB HAS THE POWER TO STOP, CHANGE, LEAVE, ETC AT ANYTIME.
Who has the power? The power is GIVEN to the Dom/me. To do this the sub has to state what power they are or are not giving! I know some of you are thinking, “But look at Total Power Exchange and 24/7 live in D/s relationships.” Most of the subs in that scenario have been playing with that Dom/me for so long that the Dom/me KNOWS their limits and has them committed to memory. The sub is simply trusting that the Dom/me will not push them past that point.
Folks, take 20 minuets to step out of kink, roleplay, and BDSM to have this talk. Share your limits, your kinks, your desires, your expectations. Newer Dom/mes, listen and stop telling subs “it doesn’t matter what they want” when in negotiations; save that for when they are begging inside the scene. Play safe, have fun, leave marks (when consented), and in the end make each other happier humans.